Subject: Letters to the President Dear Bill: As a fellow Southern Baptist, I can sympathize with your predicament. Although when I was president I merely lusted in my heart, I have to admit that had I served another term, my lust might have broken free and moved down my body. God bless you in this time of trial. Jimmy Carter --------------------- Dear Bill: OK, so I'll never be president, but at least Donna Rice was a babe! Gary Hart ---------------------- My Dear Chap: This is a bit of a sticky wicket, but if I were you, I should ask that charming Jay Leno fellow to see you through. Pop onto his show, admit that you made an ass of yourself and all will be forgiven. Hugh Grant ---------------------- Bill: They entrapped me, they framed me, they caught me in a motel with drugs and a prostitute, but I bounced back and so can you! Bitch done set us up! Mayor Marion Berry ---------------------- Dear Bill: Look at the bright side. At least you weren't caught wearing Monica's thong underwear. By the way, did you catch my sports show? I'm back on TV for the fall. Marv Albert ---------------------- Dear Mr. President: You may have noticed that I'm not jumping on the impeachment bandwagon (note: this was written a week ago). Let me assure you, you're not the only one in Congress who thinks oral sex isn't really sex. Warm personal regards, Newt ---------------------------- Dear Bill: Hang in there, pal! By the way, Kathie Lee sends Hillary her regards and invites her to come on her show anytime. Frank Gifford --------------------------- Dear Mr. President: Now I'm on the Supreme Court. I'm here for life! And there's nothing anyone can do about it! So there! Justice Clarence (Long Dong) Thomas -------------------------- Dear Former Worthy Opponent: Whoo, Boy! All I can say is, Bob Dole would never have gotten himself into this mess. Not Bob Dole! Not before Viagra, anyway! Bob Dole ------------------------- Dear Mr. President: I think it's terrible what they are doing to you, and I want you to know that if you need to get away from it all, you're welcome to bring Buddy and stay with me on my Wonderland Ranch for as long as you want. I'll move the Cub Scout Pack to a tent on the lawn and you can have their room. Michael Jackson -------------------------- Dear Fellow Sinner: Jesus forgives you and so do I. Rev. Jimmy Swaggart ------------------------- Dear Bill: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Jim Baker P.S. Jessica sends regards and wants to get together with you sometime. ------------------------- Dear Bill: Next time (if there is a next time), don't let them get you on tape. Big mistake!! With sympathy, Rob Lowe ------------------------- Dear Bill: If I survived wanting to be a tampon, you can survive the cigar bit. Things were grim for a while, but now it looks like I might actually manage to marry my darling Camilla, and someday I'll be King! Funny how life turns out. So keep a stiff upper lip! (And relax everything else, haha! And they say I don't have a sense of humor) HRH Charles Windsor, Prince of Wales ------------------------ Dear Mr. President: We invite you to be the cover subject of our next issue. The editors, Cigar Aficionado magazine
A surgeon went to check on his very famous patient after an operation. She was awake, so he examined her. "You'll be fine, Miss Lewinsky," he said. She asked "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life?" The surgeon seemed to pause which alarmed the girl. "What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?" He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."
Monica Lewinsky, in a statement released today, countered President Clinton's firm denial: "I have had enough. This whole experience has left a bitter taste in my mouth, and I can't stomach any more. I feel as if I am getting the shaft, that this ugly matter has come to a head and blown up in my face. This may be a load to handle, but when things are hard, that is when I am at my best. I have faced hard things in the past, and I know what is coming. I will meet this challenge the only way I know how....head on. I have licked bigger things than this before, and I will again. No one will ever be able to say that Monica Lewinsky isn't a finisher, that she quit before the job was done. I will work non-stop and fight this, blow by blow, until I am wiped clean of this >dirty affair. I will not be stained by it."
The Top 14 Surprises in Monica Lewinsky's Testimony 14> Ken Starr's original request was for Monica's dress with the "sequin" on it. 13> Vince Foster actually killed by a jealous O. J. 12> Stain turns out to be McDonald's "Secret Sauce." 11> Still has the blue jumper she wore in kindergarten when Johnny threw his spaghetti at Suzy and missed. 10> Sometimes, even the president just likes to cuddle. 9> If you tickle Bubba in just the right place, he *does* inhale. 8> Linda Tripp confided that she hopes Ed Asner plays her in the movie. 7> Out of all the gifts he gave her, the gold-embossed "Get out of jail free" card from the Franklin Mint's edition of Monopoly showed how thoughtful the President really is. 6> Breaks wind whenever she removes the beret. 5> Despite his centrist politics, Bill's more of a "leftist," if you get my drift. 4> Although not advertised, anyone tuned into www.MyFirstPresident.com saw the whole thing! 3> Clinton's fondness for berets once led to an embarrassing incident with Saddam Hussein. 2> Surprise introduction of semen-stained window drapes, car hood and toaster cozy. and Top5's Number 1 Surprise in Monica Lewinsky's Testimony... 1> Turns out BILL was the one wearing the dress. ~~~~~~~~***************@@@@~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Yeah, I'm sick of Monica too, frankly I don't care who the president sleeps with, but . . . . What help wanted ad did Monica Lewinsky answer? Be a White House intern, and get a taste of the Presidency! There's a new Bill Clinton computer coming out soon. It will have a six inch hard drive, but no memory. Did you hear that when this scandal is over that Monica plans to sell her story? She said she will tell it Blow by Blow. What's Monica going to title her memories? "How to suckseed in the Oval Office without really trying!" Why does Bill Clinton wear underwear? To keep his ankles warm. Q:Why can't they prosecute Bill Clinton? A:Monica swallowed the evidence Why does Monica Lewinsky have such puffy cheeks? She's withholding evidence. Whats the difference between Clinton and a screw driver? A screw driver turns in screws and Clinton screws interns. Why does Monica refuse to play golf with Bill? Because she's tired of his balls hitting her in the face. Bill was recently overheard complimenting Monica's appearance. --"She's got the whitest teeth I've ever cum across!" Bill's nickname for Hillary is, "My little buttercup" --His nickname for Monica? "My little suctioncup" What do Monica Lewinsky and Soda Pop machines have in common? Answer: They both have slots which say "Insert 'Bill" here."
I keep hearing people from Clinton's inner circle talk on radio and television saying that they are behind President Clinton 100%. Good idea, since it's obviously not safe to stand in front of him. ===== A heartbeat away?? I suppose this means Al Gore is only six inches away from the presidency... ===== Monica Lewinsky - John Wilkes Booth Similarities Booth- Shot Lincoln in the back of the head. Monica- Clinton shot her in the face. Booth- Did his dirty deed on a theatre. Monica- Did the dirty deed with her theatre coach. Booth- Tripped, broke his leg. Monica- Linda Tripp broke her friendship. Booth- Killed by a religious zealot who had no testicles. (This is true, look it up!) Monica- Kenneth Starr Booth- Died in a barn. Monica- Big as a barn. Booth- Mary Todd Lincoln Monica- Hillary Rodham Clinton (Amazing, no difference!) Booth- Co-conspirators were hanged straight away. Monica- A very important co-conspirator is hung crookedly, by all reports. Booth- Had a moustache. Monica- Wait ten years, there won't be any difference here either. ===== In light of the latest allegations against President Clinton, Woodward and Bernstein of Watergate fame are in negotiations with publishers to write a new book about the scandal. Working title: "All the President's Women." *********
Doesn't Clinton realize that a coverup always gets you in more trouble than whatever you did in the first place? He should have just opened up, come clean, and taken his licks. Oops, I guess maybe he's already done that. ************* It looks like Clinton will be the second president to be brought down by "Deep Throat"! ===== Microsoft-Lewinsky connection? All this talk lately about what to call Clinton's latest escapade. Tail-gate, forni-gate, Monica-gate, ... not to mention all the other scandals he's been accused of participating in. Perhaps it's time to just lump them all together as a set -- the "Bill-gates". No, wait, that could be confusing. After all, the president is accused of using his power and prestige to screw lots of people where as the head of Microsoft is being accused of.. um... Oh never mind. ===== >Organization: Zydacron >Subject: Clinton's defense Clinton's defense in the White House aide sex scandal; "I didn't come." ************ Hillary Clinton is coming out with her new book, "It takes a village to watch my husband" [Note - originally by Jay Leno - ed] ===== Culled from the Thursday edition of the Tom Leykis Show with a few extras. Top Ten Names Clinton has for his penis... 10) The White House Staff 9) His Tiny Advisor 8) The Nuclear Button 7) The Executive Branch 6) The Little Pollster 5) His Soft Contribution 4) His Pocket Veto 3) The Secret Servicer 2) The Presidential Caucus 1) Little Rock
This is from a contest on Long Island. The requirements were to use > >>the words Lewinski and Kaczynski in a limerick. Here are the 3 winners. > >> > >> Entry # 1 > >> There once was a gal named Lewinsky > >> Who played on a flute like Stravinsky > >> 'Twas "Hail to the Chief" > >> on this flute made of beef > >> that stole the front page from Kaczynski. > >> > >>Entry # 2 > >> Said Bill Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky > >> We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski, > >> Since you look such a mess, > >> use the hem of your dress > >> And wipe that stuff off of your chinsky. > >> > >>Entry # 3 > >> Lewinsky and Clinton have shown > >> what Kaczynski must surely have known: > >> that an intern is better > > than a bomb in a letter > > given the choice of how to be blown. Entry # 4 There was a young girl called Lewinsky, Who caused as much stir as Kaczynski When on Kenneth Starr's lap she confided, when trapped, "Bill Clinton is hung like Nijinsky." * (*Nijinsky is a thoroughbred racehorse not to be confused with the ballet dancer.)
DRAFT 1999 STATE OF THE UNION ADDRESS. >"Members of Congress...people of America....I banged her. I banged her >like a cheap gong. Which is not news, folks, because if you think Monica >Lewinsky was the only skin flute player in my orchestra, you haven't >been paying attention. The only babes in D.C. I haven't tried to do are >the First Lady, Reno, Albright, and Shalala, mostly because they're a >little older than I like and they have legs that former Houston Oiler >Earl Campbell would envy. > >Which isn't to say I don't appreciate Hillary...I do. If not for the >ice-water coursing through her veins, I'd be pumping gas into farm >equipment in Hope, Arkansas, and she'd be married to the President. >So, let me set the record straight. I dodged the draft, hid FBI files, >smoked dope, flipped Whitewater property, set up a new Korean wing in >the White House, fired the travel staff, paid hush money to Hubbell, >sold the Lincoln bedroom like an upscale Motel 6, and grabbed every ass >that entered the Oval Office. Got it? Good. > >Six years ago, there's not a man, woman, or child who didn't know I was >as horny as Woody Allen. But, you elected me anyway, which turned out to >be a good move on your part. Your other choice was Bush, an aging >baseball player and part-time resident of some place called >"Kennebunkport" who thought he could bomb his way into the White House. >Before him, it was Reagan, who left the office with the same Alzheimer's >he came in with. > >There was Carter before him who brought you a 17% prime interest rate, >smiling the whole time like his lithium drip had just kicked in. Nixon >before that, coined, but never really understood, the concept of >'plausible deniability', and almost got a one-way ticket to San Clemente >for his crackerjack style of governing. Johnson was an inbred, power-mad >war criminal whose major contribution to American society was Agent >Orange. > >And John Kennedy, who was a little naughty himself, didn't hang around >long enough for America to spot that curious atavistic tic for >"beaver-wrestling" shared by at least a dozen former residents of the >White House. Which brings me back to my point. > >Since I have been strumming the banjo here at the White House, >government is doing more for less. The budget is balanced for the first >time since JFK did a one gun salute to Marilyn, a fact the press didn't >seem to care about, evidently. > >Unemployment is so low today a blind felon can get a job as a >night-watchman. And the stock market is higher than a D-student on a >full gram of dumb-dust, and anyone with a degree from a junior college >who can spell 'internet' has enough money to ponder the annual >maintenance cost of his boat, instead of where his or her next meal is >coming from. Bottom line: I'm running a country here and I'm doing it >with my pecker showing. > >What I'm asking for is your support, not a date with your >daughter...unless, of course, she's a hotty with thin ankles, and then >I'd like to discuss it. > >In the meantime, think about where you are today and what kind of life >you're living before you get too interested in where I'm parking the >Presidential limousine
* * * The Essential Top 10 List (by Robb Watters) An abbreviated Top 10 Life-Imitates-Art Movies Other Than "Wag the Dog." 10. "Out of Sight" starring Al Gore. 7. "There's Something About Monica." 6. "The Negotiator," starring Jesse Jackson. 5. "Tie Me Up, Tie Me Down," starring Monica Lewinsky. 4. "Return to Paradise," starring the Clintons in Martha's Vineyard. 3. "The Avengers," starring Ken Starr. 1. "Saving Bill's Privates."
I'm watching Sky news live at 9pm in Israel, 22 January (2 pm EST). Mike McCurry, White House Spokesman, just told reporters that "The preseident really wants to be in a position to satisfy people with his performance." Isn't that the whole problem? **************** The wives of four presidents and prime minister are talking together about how a penis is called in their language. The wife of Tony Blair says in England people call it a gentleman, because it stands up when women are entering. The wife of Boris Yeltsin says in Russia you call it a patriot, because you never know if it will hit you on the front or on the back side. The wife of Chirac says in France you call it a curtain, because it goes down after the act. Well, the wife of Clinton says in the USA you call it a rumor, because it goes from mouth to mouth. *********************************************************** ************* Bill Clinton is visiting a school. In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a TRAGEDY. One little boy stands up and offers, "If my best friend who lives next door was playing in the street when a car came along and killed him, that would be a TRAGEDY." "No," Clinton says, "that would be an ACCIDENT." A girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved... that would be a TRAGEDY." "I'm afraid not," explains Clinton. "That is what we would call a GREAT LOSS." The room is silent; none of the other children volunteer. "What?" asks Clinton. "Isn't there any one here who can give me an example of a TRAGEDY?" Finally, a boy in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he speaks, "If an airplane carrying Bill and Hillary Clinton were blown up by a bomb, THAT would be a TRAGEDY." "Wonderful!" Clinton beams. "Marvelous! And can you tell me WHY that would be a TRAGEDY?" "Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an ACCIDENT, and it certainly would be no GREAT LOSS!" ********************* To the tune of.........My Favourite Things by Bill Clinton Blow jobs and land deals in backwater places, Big Macs and french fries and girls with big faces, Lots of nice cleavage that makes willie spring, These are a few of my favourite things Susan McDougal and Jennifer Flowers, Horny young interns who while 'way the hours, Profits from futures that Hillary brings, These are a few of my favourite things Beating the draft board and getting elected, Naming to judgeships some hacks I've selected, Conspiracy theories that blame the right wing, These are a few of my favourite things Golfing with Vernon and suborning perjury, Falling down drunk that required knee surgery Stars in the White House who come here to sing, These are a few of my favourite things Meeting with Boris and Helmut and Tony, States of the Union with lots of baloney, Winning debates and the joy of my flings, These are a few of my favourite things When that Jones bites, When Ken Starr stings, When I'm feeling sad, I simply remember my favourite things, And then I don't feel so bad Why do married men gain weight while bachelors don't? Bachelors go to the refrigerator, see nothing they want, then go to bed. Married guys go to bed, see nothing they want, then go to the refrigerator.