LAWYER JOKES

1. Q:How can you tell the difference between a dead snake lying in the middle of the road and a dead lawyer??
   A: In front of the snake,you see skid marks.
2. Because of protests by animal-rights activists,they are going to use lawyers instead of rats in laboratories.There are 3 good reasons for this: there are more lawyers than rats,the lab techs won't get attached to them_and there are some things you just can't get rats to do.
3. Two lawyers were walking out of court,when they passed a beautiful young woman."Boy,I'd sure like to screw her,"one lawyer said."YEAH?"the other replied,"Out of what?".
4. Q:HOW can you tell if a lawyer is lying?
   A:His lips are moving.
5. A newcomer got into a scrape with the law and asked in the general store,"Is there a criminal lawyer in town?"
   "Oh sure,sonny.Several of them but I'm not sure we can prove it."
6. Q:>Why does nevada have so many whores and gambling casinos & California so many lawyers?
   A:Nevada has first choice
7. Q:Why is this that the sharks never attack lawyers?
   A:Professional courtesy.
8. A good and honest lawyer died and went to heaven.As soon as he passed the pearly gates,an angel whisked him off to his eternal abode,which turned out to be an impressive condo complex.The angel escorted him onto the elevator,and the lawyer got out when the door openned at the 16th floor.The apt inside was palatial,and the lawyer was impressed.
   "Get back in",the angel said."A pope from the Middle ages lives here."
   The elevator went up to the penthouse,and the doors openned again,on rooms even more opulent.
   "You're home,"The angel said.
   "There must be some mistake,"the lawyer said."This is even nicer than the 16th floor,and a pope lives there."
   "Oh,we get lots of popes,"the angel said."You're our 1st lawyer."
9. An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter was on off so one of the angels checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."
   So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. The engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. Soon they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
   One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
   God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."
   Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
   God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
   
   

   > A famous lawyer found himself at heaven's gates confronting St.
   > Peter.
   > > He protested that it was all a mistake: he was only 49, and was far
   > too
   > > young to be dead. "That's odd," said St. Peter, "according to the
   > hours you've
   > > billed, you're 119 years old." 
   > > 
   > > A lawyer, a used car salesman and a banker were gathered by a coffin
   > > containing the body of an old friend. In his grief, one of the three
   > > said, "In my family, we have a custom of giving the dead some money,
   > so
   > > they'll  have something to spend over there."    They all agreed
   > that this was
   > > appropriate. The banker dropped a hundred dollar bill into the
   > casket,
   > > and the car salesman did the same.  The lawyer took out the bills
   > and
   >    wrote a check for $300.
   > > 
   > > A young attorney who had taken over his father's practice rushed
   > home
   > > elated one night.  "Dad, listen," he shouted, "I've finally settled
   > that old
   > > McKinney suit."    "Settled it!?!" cried his astonished father.
   > "Why,
   > > I gave that to you as an annuity for life."
   > > 
   > > A judge enters the courtroom, strikes the gavel and says, "Before I
   > > begin  this trial, I have an announcement to make. The lawyer for
   > the defense
   > > has paid me $15,000 to swing the case his way. The lawyer for the
   > > plaintiff has paid me $10,000 to swing the case her way. In order to
   > make this a
   > > fair trial, I am returning $5,000 to the defense." 
   > > 
   > > A man took a trip out West after a harrowing divorce proceeding. He
   > stopped
   > > in a bar, and after a few drinks stated to no one in particular,
   > > "Lawyers are horses' a*ses."    Hearing this, one of the locals
   > spoke up: "Mister,
   > > watch what you say. You're in horse country." 
   > > 
   > > A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and
   > asked
   > > him what he was doing there. The lawyer replied, "Remember that
   > lousy real
   > > estate I bought? Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire
   > insurance
   > > proceeds. What are you doing here?"    The doctor replied, "Remember > that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi? Well, the river
   > overflowed,
    and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds."    The lawyer
    looked puzzled.
    "Gee," he asked, "how do you start a flood?" 
    
    Upon seeing an elderly lady for the drafting of her will, the
    attorney
    charged her $100. She gave him a $100 bill, not noticing that stuck
    to
    it was a second $100 bill.  Immediately the ethical question arose
    in the
    attorney's mind: "Do I tell my partner?" 
    
   > > If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only
    save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper? 
   

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