THESE ARE ONLY JOKES!!!THEY ARE NOT MEANT TO OFFEND ANY MAN!!AFTER ALL
I AM ONE OF THE GUYS!!(in case you guys don't know that).
Read further below for women jokes and in my twin page for blonde jokes!
LAWYER JOKES
A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when
they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized ita the same ship
that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female
whale, lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at
the
same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink. They tried
it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however,
the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming
to
the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get
away and told the female "lets swim after them and gobble them up before
they reach the shore". At this point, he realized the female was
becoming
reluctant to follow him. "Look", she said, "I went along with the blow
job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen !"
ubject: Old Ladies
>
> >>
> >> There was this guy who really takes care of his body. He lifts
> weights
> >> and jogs six miles every day.
> >>
> >> One morning he looked in the mirror and noticed that his body was
> >> suntanned all over with the exception of this penis, which he
> readily
> >> decided to do something about.
> >>
> >> He went to the beach, completely undressed, and buried himself in
> the
> >> sand--except for his penis, which he left standing out.
> >>
> >> Two little old ladies were strolling along the beach, one using a
> cane.
> >> Upon seeing the thing sticking out of the sand, she began to move
> it
> >> around with her cane, remarking to the other little old lady,
> "There is
> >> really no justice in the world."
> >>
> >> "What do you mean by that?" the other old lady asked.
> >>
> >> The first little old lady replied, "Well, you see this thing?
> >>
> >> When I was 20, I was curious about it.
> >>
> >> When I was 30, I enjoyed it.
> >>
> >> When I was 40, I asked for it.
> >>
> >> When I was 50, I paid for it.
> >>
> >> When I was 60, I prayed for it.
> >>
> >> When I was 70, I forgot about it.
> >>
> >> And now that I'm 80, the damn things are growing wild, and I'm too
> old
> >> to squat!!
> >>
> >>
> >> The Cause of the Recession
> >>
> >> Some people borrowed money from Peter to pay Paul . . .
> >> But Paul didn't pay Peter . . . and that made Peter sore . . .
> >> You can't do business with a sore Peter.
> >>
> >>
> >> THE MOST IMPORTANT MEN IN A WOMAN'S LIFE
> >>
> >> 1. The Doctor, because he says "Take your clothes off."
> >>
> >> 2. The Dentist, because he says "Open Wide"
> >>
> >> 3. The Milkman, because he says "Do you want it in the front or
> back"
> >>
> >> 4. The Hairdresser, because he says "Do you want it teased or
> blown"
> >>
> >> 5. The Interior Decorator, because he says "Once it's in, you'll
> love
> >> it.
> >>
> >> 6. The Banker, because he says "If you take it out too soon,
> you'll
> >> lose interest.
> >>
> >> 7. The Hunter, because he always gets deep in the bush, he always
> >> shoots twice and he always eats what he shoots.
Gates-Jokes
Bill Clinton, Boris Yelzinm Bill Gates
What does the '95' in Windows95 really mean?
Gates and St. Peter
Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by St. Peter.
Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call; I'm not sure where to send you. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never done before. In your case; I'm going to let you decide whether you want to go to Heaven or Hell.
Bill replied, Well, what's the difference between the two?
St. Peter: I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision.
Bill: Fine, but where should I go first?
St. Peter: I'll leave that up to you.
Okay then, said Bill, Let's try Hell first. So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of naked women running around, playing in the water, laughing, and frolicking about. The sun was shining; the temperature was perfect. Bill was very pleased.
This is great! he told St. Peter. If this is hell, I REALLY want to see heaven!
Fine, said St. Peter, and off they went. Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a minute, and rendered his decision.
Hmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell, he told St. Peter.
Fine, retorted St. Peter, as you desire. So Bill Gates went to Hell.
Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons.
How's everything going? he asked Bill.
Bill responded, with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beautiful beaches, the naked women playing in the water?
That was a demo, replied St. Peter.
The End of The World
One day God was looking over creation and He decided that He wasn't really happy with the way things turned out. So He called the 3 most powerfull men on earth, Bill Clinton, Boris Yeltsin and Bill Gates, to come and see Him. He told them that this experiment with life on earth was a failure, and that in 3 days He was going to end it. So basically they had 3 days to prepare their people.
So Boris Yeltsin convenes an emergency meeting of the Russian Parliment and says: I have bad news, and really bad news. First of all, there is a God. Secondly everything we have worked for since the revolution will be totally destroyed in 3 days.
Bill Clinton makes a State of the Union address to the American people on TV and says: I have good news and bad news. First of all, there is a God. Secondly, everything we have worked for since the revolution will be destroyed in 3 days.
Bill Gates convenes a meeting of the board of directors and says: I have good news, and really good news. First of all, there is a God, and He spoke to me personally. Secondly, in 3 days, IBM will be destroyed.
MS Buys a Years Worth of Time
1995? Think Again if Bill Has his Way
News Flash:
In a surprise move, Microsoft chairman Bill Gates announced yesterday that he has purchased the entire calendar year of 1995. 1995 will be replaced instead by Year-M to be followed by actual 1995.
Windows 95 was not going to ship on schedule, Gates said. But we couldn't change the name again... people were starting to get confused. So instead of spending a lot of time and money on a new marketing campaign we decided just to buy 1995. That way we get an extra year to debug Windows and get it shipped for what will be the new 1995.
Microsoft arranged this coup by leveraging its financial assets to bail out the Federal Government and pay off the national debt. The IRS is being disbanded for next year, but taxes will be collected as usual with one change: all checks must be made payable to Bill Gates.
A side benefit of this purchase is that Gates now owns the judicial branch for the duration of Year-M. Speculators stated that Gates would likely use this opportunity to dismiss the numerous lawsuits pending against Microsoft. Gates apparently feels this would be cheaper than actually hiring lawyers to represent his rickety cases.
In a related story, God has filed suit against Gates because of his purchase, claiming time to be the sole property of God. In a countersuit, Gates claims God is a monopoly and demands that he be broken up into deity conglomerates.
Gosh, said Gates. They broke up AT&T... why can't we break up God?
Inside sources at Microsoft said that Gates was looking for an early resolution to the suit by hiring God as a programmer. Evidently, God has the exact profile that Gates is looking for in a programmer: he doesn't mind rainy climates, doesn't need any money, isn't married, and can work for at least 6 days without sleeping.
If we could just get some employees like that, Gates lamented, we would be able to ship Windows 95 on time.
Gates goes to Heaven?????
Bill Gates died and, much to everyone's surprise, went to Heaven. When he got there he had to queue for months before being approached by St Peter. After looking thru the sheaf of papers St Peter said "Hey, says here that you were the president of a large software company. Is that right?" "Yes." St Peter looked though his paperwork some more, and then continued. "Your paperwork seems to be in order. And with a background like yours, you'll be getting a plum job assignment." "Job assignment?" "Yes, Heaven is years behind in building its data processing infrastructure," explained St Peter "As you've seen, we're still doing everything on paper. It takes us months just to process new entries. Your job will be to supervise our new data processing center: Half a million computers connected by a multi-segment fiber optic network, all running into a back-end server network with a thousand CPUs on a gigabit channel. Fully fault tolerant. Fully distributed processing. The works." Bill could barely contain his excitement. "Wow! What a great job! This really IS Heaven!" "We're just finishing construction, and we'll be starting operations soon. Would you like to go see the center now?" "You bet!" Bill caught the shuttle bus and went to Heaven's new data processing center which is a hundred times bigger than the Astrodome. Workmen were crawling all over the place, getting miles of fiber optic cables properly installed. Arranged neatly row-by-row was numbering half a million ... Macintoshes! All running Claris software! Not a single byte of Microsoft code to be seen anywhere! "What about PCs???" Bill exclaimed. "What about Windows? What about Excel and Word???" "You're forgetting something," said St Peter. "What's that?" asked Bill plaintively. "This is Heaven," explain St Peter "We want a computer system that's heavenly to use. If you want to build a data processing center based on PCs running Windows, then .... ..... GO TO HELL!"
Is Windows a virus?
Date: Wed, 7 Jun 1995 09:43:00 +0100
Reply-To: Macintosh News and Information
Sender: Macintosh News and Information
Comments: Sent using PMDF-822 V3.0, routing is done by ECNICE
From: Jarek Szarejko
Subject: Re: Can the Mac survive Win95?
To: Multiple recipients of list MAC-LI received this text from a MS list (I don't know the author...):
McAfee-Question : Is Windows a virus ?
No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:
1. They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that.
2. Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so - okay, Windows does that.
3. Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - okay, Windows does that too.
4. Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. Sigh... Windows does that, too.
5. Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. Yup, that's with Windows, too.
Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences:
Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.So Windows is not a virus.
Greetings,
Ja.
(Jarek asked me to state that he is not the original author. If the original author can recognize his work, I would like (you know copyright and stuff) to have his name)
By the way: I have put this under the joke-section, however all of it is absolutely true, so don't follow the usual disclaimers about jokes!
A Jingle...
Subject: Nicholas Petreley's InfoWorld 'Down to the Wire' column found on pg 136 in the October 10th issue has the following jingle that I thought would give everyone a little laugh.
To the tune of the Flinstones theme:
Windows, MS-Windows,
Its the Stone Age look-and-feel GUI.
That's why Bill of Redmond,
Didn't win the desktop with NT.
Four-oh barely kept interest alive,
Now they call it Windows 95.
Do we wait for Windows,
Or have a yabba-dabba-do time,
An OS/2 time,
They'll never ship in tiiime.
Bill Clinton, Boris Yeltsin, and Bill Gates were called in by God
Bill Clinton, Boris Yeltsin, and Bill Gates were called in by God. God
informed them that he was very unhappy about what was going on in this
world. Since things were so bad, he told the three that he was
destroying the Earth in 3 days. They were all allowed to return to their
homes and businesses, and tell their friends and colleagues what was
happening. God did tell them though, that no matter what they did he was
*not* changing his mind. So, . . . . .
Bill Clinton went in and told his staff, I have good news and bad news
for you. First the good news . . . there *is* a God. The bad news is
that he is destroying the Earth in 3 days.
Boris Yeltsin went back and told his staff, I have bad news and more
bad news. The first was . . . there *is* a God. The second was that he
is destroying the Earth in 3 days.
Bill Gates went back and told his staff, I have good news and good
news. First. . . God thinks I am one of the three most important people
in the world. Second . . . you don't have to fix the bugs in Win95.
Ready for Windows 95?
From: Mark & Shelley Chorney
Subject: FW: Ready for windows 95???
To: andy@maine.mainelink.net On Tue, 25 Jul 95 14:43:21 -0400 Aaron S. Berman wrote: Windows Quotes
Windows: Just another pain in the glass
Double your drive-space: delete Windows !
Ever noticed how fast Windows runs ? Neither did I !
Windows: Turn your Pentium into an XT ...
Windows: The Gates of hell
Windows - The colorful clown suit for DOS
Windows'95 is out! (PC Magazine, April 2013)
MS-Windows could use yet another liposuction
Windows: XT emulator for an AT
Windows is for fun, OS/2 is for getting things done
OS/2 VirusScan -- Windows found: Remove it? [Y,y]
Windows'95: New look, same multicrashing
Windows isn't a virus, viruses do something
Help! There are Windows everywhere! In my car, my house
MicroSoft's marketing: Windows is SEMI-shareware
Windows: From the people who brought you EDLIN !
Time on your hands ? Get Windows !
Fer sail cheep, Windows spel chekcer, wurks grate
Microsoft Windows ... a virus with mouse support
Microsoft gives you Windows ... OS/2 gives you the whole house
Newsflash: Microsoft announces Visual Edlin for Windows
Sorry, this virus requires MicroSoft Windows 3.x
A computer without Windows is like a fish without a bicycle
Are you using Windows or is that just an XT ?
Bang on the LEFT side of your computer to restart Windows
Beat me, whip me, make me use Windows !
Breaking Windows isn't just for kids anymore ...
Bugs come in through open Windows
Coming soon: EDLIN for Windows
DOS 6.0 and Windows 3.1 - A turtle and its shell
DOS is just an operating system that runs Windows 3.1
Data to Picard: No, Captain, I do NOT run WINDOWS !
Despite my car having windows, it still isn't mouse driven !
Difference between a virus and windows ? Viruses rarely fail
Error #152 - Windows not found: (C)heer (P)arty (D)ance
Error 005: Windows loading - come back tomorrow
Exhibitionists love Windows
Father, forgive me, I've been caught using Windows ...
Have you crashed your Windows today ?
I can't wait for EDLIN to be ported for Windows
I still miss Windows, but my aim is getting better
I'll never forget the 1st time I ran Windows, but I'm trying ...
If I wanted Windows, I'd live in a greenhouse !
If Windows is user-friendly, why do you need a 678-page manual ?
If Windows sucked it would be good for something
Masochist: Windows programmer with a smile !
My latest screen saver: Curtains for Windows
New Windows 4.0: programmed in Turbo Logo++
New from McAfee: WinScan - Removes all Windows programs
OS/2 ... Opens up Windows, shuts up Gates
Out of disk space - Delete Windows ? [Y]es [H]ell yes!
Relax ... you are entering a windows free zone
Some windows were made to be broken
Windows - so intuitive you only need a meg of help files !
Windows 3.1 - The best $89 solitaire game you can buy
Windows 3.1 vs OS/2 = Michael Jackson vs Mike Tyson
Windows95 will be released as soon as Windows 3.1 finishes loading
Windows Multitasking: screwing up several things at once
Windows NT: Nice Try
Windows NT: Insert wallet into Drive A: and press any key to empty
Windows - A solitaire game that requires 16 MB and HD
Windows has the ability to screw up 2 things at the same time !
Windows ? We don't need no stinking Windows !
BILL GATES MEETS GODOn a day, God calls Bill Gates, Yeltsin and Clinton into his office and says: Men, I've decided to bring the world to an end. This will happen next thursday; I want you to go back and tell it to the people!
When Clinton returns to his (White) house, he gives a persconference and says: Fellow americans, I've got good news and I've got bad news. The good news is that we always said: 'One nation under God' and that's right, there is a God. The bad news is that he will destroy our world next thursday.
Yeltsin speaks to the russian people and says: Brave comrades, I've got bad news and I've got bad news. The fist bad news that we were wrong all those years: there is a God after all. The other bad news is that he will destroy our world next thursday.
Finally, Bill Gates meets the Board of Directors of MicroSoft and says: I've got good news and I've got good news. The first good news is that God had a meeting with the three people he sees as most important and I was one of them. The other good news is that IBM will stop shipping OS/2 next thursday.
What does the '95' in Windows95 really mean?
The number of floppies it will ship on
The percentage of people who will have to upgrade their hardware
The number of megabytes of hard disk space required
The number of pages in the EASY INSTALL version of the manual
The percentage of existing programs that won't run in the new OS
The number of minutes to install
The number of calls to tech support before you can get it to run
The number of people who will actually PAY for the upgrade
MHz required for the OS to run
Billy's Letters
The following appeared in a computer magazine in Mr. Dvorak's column:
Dear Mr. Dvorak:
Ann Landers wouldn't print this. I have nowhere else to turn. I have to get the word out. Warn other parents. I must be rambling on. Let me try and explain. It's about my son, Billy. He's always been a good, normal ten year old boy. Well, last spring we sat down after dinner to select a summer camp for Billy. We sorted through the camp brochures. There were the usual camps with swimming, canoeing, games, singing by the campfire -- you know. There were sports camps and specialty camps for weight reduction, music, military camps and camps that specialized in Tibetan knot tying. I tried to talk him into Camp Winnepoopoo. It's where he went last year. (He made an adorable picture out of painted pinto beans and macaroni). Billy would have none of it. Billy pulled a brochure out of his pocket. It was for a COMPUTER CAMP! We should have put our foot down right there, if only we had known. He left three weeks ago. I don't know what's happened. He's changed. I can't explain it. See for yourself. These are some of my little Billy's letters.
Dear Mom, The kids are dorky nerds. The food stinks. The computers are the only good part. We're learning how to program. Late at night is the best time to program, so they let us stay up. Love, Billy. Dear Mom, Camp is O.K. Last night we had pizza in the middle of the night. We all get to choose what we want to drink. I drink Classic Coke. By the way, can you make Szechuan food? I'm getting used to it now. Gotta go, it's time for the flowchart class. Love, Billy. P.S. This is written on a wordprocessor. Pretty swell, huh? It's spellchecked too. Dear Mom, Don't worry. We do regular camp stuff. We told ghost stories by the glow of the green computer screens. It was real neat. I don't have much of a tan 'cause we don't go outside very often. You can't see the computer screen in the sunlight anyway. That wimp camp I went to last year fed us weird food too. Lay off, Mom. I'm okay, really. Love, Billy. Dear Mom, I'm fine. I'm sleeping enough. I'm eating enough. This is the best camp ever. We scared the counselor with some phony worm code. It was real funny. He got mad and yelled. Frederick says it's okay. Can you send more money? I spent mine on a pocket protector and a box of blank diskettes. I've got to chip in on the phone bill. Did you know that you can talk to people on a computer? Give my regards to Dad. Love, Billy. Dear Mother, Forget the money for the telephone. We've got a way to not pay. Sorry I haven't written. I've been learning a lot. I'm real good at getting onto any computer in the country. It's really easy! I got into the university's in less than fifteen minutes. Frederick did it in five, he's going to show me how. Frederick is my bunk partner. He's really smart. He says that I shouldn't call myself Billy anymore. So, I'm not. Signed, William. Dear Mother, How nice of you to come up on Parents Day. Why'd you get so upset? I haven't gained that much weight. The glasses aren't real. Everybody wears them. I was trying to fit in. Believe me, the tape on them is cool. I thought that you'd be proud of my program. After all, I've made some money on it. A publisher is sending a check for $30,000. Anyway, I've paid for the next six weeks of camp. I won't be home until late August. Regards, William. Mother, Stop treating me like a child. True -- physically I am only ten years old. It was silly of you to try to kidnap me. Do not try again. Remember, I can make your life miserable (i.e. - the bank, credit bureau, and government computers). I am not kidding. O.K.? I won't write again and this is your only warning. The emotions of this interpersonal communication drain me. Sincerely, William.See what I mean? It's been two weeks since I've heard from my little boy. What can I do, Mr.Dvorak? I know that it's probably too late to save my little Billy. But, if by printing these letters you can save JUST ONE CHILD from a life of programming, please, I beg of you to do so. Thank you very much.
Sally Gates, Concerned Parent
Microsoft Keybord
Microsoft Corporation has just announced a new PC keyboard designed specifically for Windows. In addition to the keys found on the standard keyboard, Microsoft's new design adds several new keys which will make your Windows computing even more functional. The keys in development are:
1) GPF key--This key will instantly generate a General Protection Fault when pressed. Microsoft representatives state that the purpose of the GPF key is to save Windows users time by eliminating the need to run an application in order to produce a General Protection Fault.
2) $$ key--When this key is pressed, money is transferred automatically from your bank account to Microsoft without the need for further action or third party intervention.
3) ZD key--This key was developed specifically for reviewers of Microsoft products. When pressed it inserts random superlative adjectives in any text which contains the words Microsoft or Windows within the file being edited.
4) MS key--This key runs a Microsoft commercial entitled Computing for Mindless Drones in a 1 x 1 window.
5) FUD key--Self explanatory.
6) Chicago key--Generates do-nothing loops for months at a time.
7) IBM key--Searches your hard disk for operating systems or applications by vendors other than Microsoft and deletes them.
MS-Vatican
MICROSOFT Bids to Acquire Catholic Church
By Hank Vorjes
VATICAN CITY (AP) -- In a joint press conference in St. Peter's Square this morning, MICROSOFT Corp. and the Vatican announced that the Redmond software giant will acquire the Roman Catholic Church in exchange for an unspecified number of shares of MICROSOFT common stock. If the deal goes through, it will be the first time a computer software company has acquired a major world religion.
With the acquisition, Pope John Paul II will become the senior vice-president of the combined company's new Religious Software Division, while MICROSOFT senior vice-presidents Michael Maples and Steven Ballmer will be invested in the College of Cardinals, said MICROSOFT Chairman Bill Gates.
We expect a lot of growth in the religious market in the next five to ten years, said Gates. The combined resources of MICROSOFT and the Catholic Church will allow us to make religion easier and more fun for a broader range of people.
Through the MICROSOFT Network, the company's new on-line service, we will make the sacraments available on-line for the first time and revive the popular pre-Counter-Reformation practice of selling indulgences, said Gates. You can get Communion, confess your sins, receive absolution -- even reduce your time in Purgatory -- all without leaving your home.
A new software application, MICROSOFT Church, will include a macro language which you can program to download heavenly graces automatically while you are away from your computer.
An estimated 17,000 people attended the announcement in St Peter's Square, watching on a 60-foot screen as comedian Don Novello -- in character as Father Guido Sarducci -- hosted the event, which was broadcast by satellite to 700 sites worldwide.
Pope John Paul II said little during the announcement. When Novello chided Gates, Now I guess you get to wear one of these pointy hats, the crowd roared, but the pontiff's smile seemed strained.
The deal grants MICROSOFT exclusive electronic rights to the Bible and the Vatican's prized art collection, which includes works by such masters as Michelangelo and Da Vinci. But critics say MICROSOFT will face stiff challenges if it attempts to limit competitors' access to these key intellectual properties.
The Jewish people invented the look and feel of the holy scriptures, said Rabbi David Gottschalk of Philadelphia. You take the parting of the Red Sea -- we had that thousands of years before the Catholics came on the scene.
But others argue that the Catholic and Jewish faiths both draw on a common Abrahamic heritage. The Catholic Church has just been more successful in marketing it to a larger audience, notes Notre Dame theologian Father Kenneth Madigan. Over the last 2,000 years, the Catholic Church's market share has increased dramatically, while Judaism, which was the first to offer many of the concepts now touted by Christianity, lags behind.
Historically, the Church has a reputation as an aggressive competitor, leading crusades to pressure people to upgrade to Catholicism, and entering into exclusive licensing arrangements in various kingdoms whereby all subjects were instilled with Catholicism, whether or not they planned to use it. Today Christianity is available from several denominations, but the Catholic version is still the most widely used. The Church's mission is to reach the four corners of the earth, echoing MICROSOFT's vision of a computer on every desktop and in every home.
Gates described MICROSOFT's long-term strategy to develop a scalable religious architecture that will support all religions through emulation. A single core religion will be offered with a choice of interfaces according to the religion desired -- One religion, a couple of different implementations, said Gates.
The MICROSOFT move could spark a wave of mergers and acquisitions, according to Herb Peters, a spokesman for the U.S. Southern Baptist Conference, as other churches scramble to strengthen their position in the increasingly competitive religious market.
The Cool Answer to Win95
REDMOND, WASHINGTON -- In order to calm growing impatience among PC users concerning the repeated delays of its new Windows 95 operating system, Microsoft Corporation announced what it calls the Cool User Program for Windows 95. To participate in this offer, a user pays US$10,000 at which time he or she will be placed in a cryogenic suspension. The user will then remain in a state of hibernation until about a week before the Windows 95 ship date.
We expect that the users will need a few days to recuperate and acquaint themselves with the changes that will occur in society between the onset of cold sleep and the release of Windows 95, explained a Microsoft spokesman. These may include the OJ Simpson trial ending, another momentous Congressional election, faster-than-light travel and possible leaps in human evolution.
Because Microsoft expects a large response to this offer, a vast area will be needed for the storage facility. We have chosen the state of Utah, stated Microsoft, because nobody lives there, anyway. Spokespeople for Novell and WordPerfect were reached for comment on this remark, but their words were not suitable for publication.
IBM Corporation, which has previously responded to Microsoft promotions with competing offers for their OS/2 Warp said they would not be matching Microsoft's Cool User program. Freeze people? What for? Warp has already been shipping for months, said a source who asked not to be identified.
Some industry analysts have wasted no time hailing Microsoft's plan as a bold, innovative move. In columnist Michael S. Brown's opinion column M.S. Brown Knows which appears in PC Weak, Brown claims, IBM has missed the boat again with their failing OS/2 strategy. Users clearly want to be frozen in liquid nitrogen and sealed in coffin-like units for an indeterminate period of time. Michael S. Brown made national headlines three years ago when he claimed that if Windows NT didn't completely replace DOS in six months he would chain himself to grating comedian Gilbert Godfried. Today he clarifies that I didn't say *which* six months.
The cryogenic facility in Utah is expected to be on line April 1, 1995, but users wishing to beta test the system may do so for a reduced fee of US$3,000.
The Windows Rejection
sung to the tune of The Rainbow Connection by Kermit Frog & written by me
Why are there so many, users of Windows?
Don't people have any pride?
Windows is useless, and designed by morons,
and Windows had got DOS inside.But some don't care and continue to use it.
I know they're wrong, wait and see.
Someday we'll see it, the Windows rejection,
the users, and Bill Gates, and me.Who said that every bug, would be found but left there?
It seems so strange and bizarre.
Microsoft thought of that, and millions accept it,
look what it's done, so far.What's so amazing are all the delays in
the replacement for Windows 3.
Someday we'll see it, the Windows rejection,
the users, and Bill Gates, and me.All of us under its spell,
we know that it's utterly tragic...Have you been not saving, and then torn your hair out,
because of a G.P. fault?
Is this the error, that occurs most often,
and causes your system to halt?I've seen it too many times to ignore it,
I think it is just s'posed to be.
Someday we'll see it, the Windows rejection,
the users, and Bill Gates, and me.la, da da, lee, da la loo,
a, la, la la, la lee la roo!
Windows95
The Top 11 Things People Think The 95 In Windows95 Really Stands For
11. The percentage that will be complete on the shipping date.
10. The number floppies it will ship on.
9. The percentage of people who will have to upgrade their hardware.
8. The number of megabytes of hard disk space required.
7. The number of pages in the *EASY-INSTALL* version of the manual.
6. The percentage of existing windows programs that wont run in the new OS.
5. The number of minutes to install.
4. The number of calls to tech support before you can get it to run.
3. The number of people who will actually PAY for the upgrade.
2. The number Mhz required for the OS to run.And now the #1 thing people think the 95 in Windows95 really stands for..
(Drum roll please...)
1. The year it was *DUE* to ship.
If you know more Gates- or Microsoft-jokes: send them to me!
ciaofoxy@aol.com
